Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

I turned 35 last month. It was not something I was particularly jazzed about or even really felt like celebrating. Not sure why it bothers me so much, because I am only in my mid 30's. 15 years ago, even 10 years ago, that seemed so old and over the hill to me. And now, well, I think I haven't matured much more than I was when I was 28. Sure I have since added the house, kid, dog and husband, but that is expected and the natural progression right?

I have noticed that so much as changed in my world in just the last year. I don't know if it has anything to do with my age or just the fact that it is all coming to a head and happening at the same time. I truly believe change is good and that everyone needs it and go through it constantly. Some are resistant (my husband) and some thrive on it. I think I fall a bit in the middle. I don't run from it but I don't constantly seek it either.

I think the changes that have been hardest are things that I thought were constant in my life. The things that you could always count on and really truly believed would never change. Funny thing about life, eventually everything changes. It really has to. For you to grow, for relationships to grow (or end), change is necessary.

Having a kid means that things are constantly changing because you spend 90% of your time adapting to the changes they go through. And they change often. Some things monthly, some weekly, some hourly. It is truly a roller coaster and you never know what the day will bring when you get out of bed each day. I find myself thinking how nice it is when things are steady with our child and we have a few peaceful days. I also know the minute I think this, it will change drastically and I am in for a new phase with her. Some are hard. Some are welcomed. Most are hard. But also rewarding.

We have changed the path of our life drastically in the last few years. We moved. We are adopting. That makes for a constant stream of change as bringing a new child into any family does. It will continue to change us day to day for the next few years and then again once we get our son home. This is probably one of the most stressful changes and most welcomes changes of all. Having Adriana was the most amazing thing that ever happened to me and truly was the biggest life change as it completely redirected the course of our every day life. As well as our "big picture" as it does when anyone brings in their first child to a family. It was amazing, scary and the best decision Rob and I ever made. Adoption is so different and though we have more choices, it also is a lot scarier, has a lot of unknowns and takes a lot longer. And while each day any one of those things can frustrate me (and daily bring me to tears in good and bad ways) it is one of the greatest journeys we will ever take and will lead to the most amazing little boy I am so proud to call my son.

So far, I am sure you are yawning. Really? This post? Nothing new nothing we haven't heard before. I guess this is my way of figuring out all that is going on. :) I think not only have the big things in my life have changed, I have changed. Sure, my fundamental core is the same. I think that is something that defines us and truly doesn't change much but it is something that we can grow and change a little through life experiences and the people that we meet along the way.

A lot of these changes that I am talking about have been painful. I have friendships that changed, relationships with family and even the relationship with my husband. These past 8 or 9 months have tested me in ways, as well as my relationships, that I never thought would happen. Being in the middle of it was so hard and I thought that I would never come out the other side being ok. But I have crawled out the other side of the tunnel and I can say, I am more than ok.

I think I came out with stronger relationships and some that are far less than they were before. My husband and I are in a place that is so much better. Through the stress can come something better and stronger. Some of my friendships didn't fare so well. I still love these people and they are still in my life, but my dependence on them has changed. I have also been fortunate to find some supportive people in the funniest of places that have been like rocks to me. It made me truly realize that friendships can grow out of the strangest of circumstances. For that I am grateful.

I also started a new volunteer position as a CASA for abused and neglected children. I just finished my 30 hours of training in the last 2 weeks. It was long. Tough. Hard. But I think that it opened my eyes to many things that I was so closed off and judgmental about in the world of social services as well as the world of others that live so differently from me. I listened to some of the best speakers that are advocates for children and met some of the most amazing people that deal with the toughest situations for these kids. And they help them. Every day. And it was inspiring. And I hope I can make even a sliver of the impact for someone that these people do.

It truly made me realize how judgmental I can be towards a lot of things. I like to think I am open. I like to think I don't judge. Truth is we all do. But I need to be better at not doing it. Not judging people when I truly have no idea how their lives truly are. Not judging when they just need a friend. Not judging when they life differently than I do.

I truly think everyone should find something to volunteer for, help out with that takes them out of their every day comforts. It is such an eye opener and even the littlest of things can help and leave an impact on others.

So maybe 35 year old Val is the new and improved Val. Maybe I am a little better. A little stronger. Maybe a little more rigid in some respects but a little more open in others. We shall see. I am a work in progress...

I think I have a song for that....

I love music. Every kind of music. I love that my iPod can switch from Tool to Josh Groban to Britney Spears at any one moment. I love and appreciate all aspects of the music world, from amazing voices to musicians to enterainers that may not always be able to sing well but can entertain us in different ways or make us dance.

I am lucky to have married someone who loves music as much, actually more, than I do. He may not branch out to the likes of Britney and Justin much, but he can still appreciate it and is a good sport about it.

Not only am I a huge music fan, but I am one of those insane people that seems to have a running soundtrack for my life. Maybe that is incorporating my love for music, TV and movies into one. Or maybe because I am a product of the Dawson's Creek, Felicity generation where music was added into most of the show defining each moment. I am not sure. But I can seriously list a song or multiple songs to remind me of most major moments in my life. And not just defining the years, the actual day to day events.

There is the song that reminded me of my ex, the bad ex, that we all have but are thankful for. Because without his constant humiliation, cheating, making me believe (being so naive) that he was the one, and the heartbreak when that realization ended, I would have never learned some really important things about myself and my inner strength. Yea, there is a song for that.

Or the song that reminds me of a night out where a friend told my husband she was ruining her life just for playing it. A song by a rock band that doesn't even make sense, yet it ruined the hopes and dreams of one drunk girl riding in the back seat. That was a defining moment. (and well that was an easy one, it really defined itself. ha ha) Yea, there is a song for that.

Or the song that reminds me of when our great friend used to live with us and when Rob was traveling, we would sit around, listen to music and drink diet vanilla cokes and vodka. Or for each trip to Vegas/Mexico or just a fun night out. Yea, there is a song for all that.

Or the song that makes me think of my husband and all the struggles we went through with ourselves and the naysayers to get back together after 7 years apart. Yea, there is a song for that.

Or the song that I sing to my daughter that is her song. Or the song I will sing to my son that will be his song. The song they hopefully will remember and find comfort in long after I am done singing it to help them sleep, comfort them or just make them remember they are so fiercely loved that their tone deaf momma would sing that song 20 times in a row as long as they felt safe. Yea, there are songs for that. :)

So this is my latest and greatest defining song. I heard it at the end of one of my favorite shows and it brought me to tears. It is beautiful. It makes me think of my kids and I love it. It has become my adoption song. For my boy. Enjoy!

Welcome back!

So I feel like I have not been among the land of the living for the past month and a half. We haven't necessarily been holed up in the house, but I have made little to no effort to get out of the house as much as I normally do. I have just been going through the motions and doing the bare minimum. Not to mention we have been sick for the past few weeks which makes life and seeing daylight that much more difficult.

I woke up today and just felt....better. Like maybe I can function to my fullest abilities again. I don't exactly know what happened. I don't know why it was today, but it happened. I have felt better today than I have since 2011 started.

You have seen from my previous posts that I have been hoping for better since the beginning of the year and seriously I am not sure why I couldn't pull myself out of my funk or why today was the day. Maybe it is the weather. Maybe I just got tired of myself. Maybe it was just time.

Whatever it is, I feel back and thank god because I think Rob was about to institutionalize me.

So in the infamous words of Eminem, "Guess who's back, back again? I am back! Tell a friend."

2 a.m. Party Time

So nothing good happens at 2 a.m. I should have learned that in high school. I used to laugh when people said it and at the time, I thought great things were things that happened at 2 a.m. Not sure if it is age or wisdom that has made me see the light, but I now know, nothing good happens at 2 a.m.

As the mother of a daughter that thinks sleeping through the night is merely a suggestion, 2 a.m. has become a time of the night I often find myself awake and not because I am having fun. I spend this time of night getting in and out of bed, walking a 3 year old back to her bed. Often in silence. But after the 5th time, it is usually accompanied with a mommy growl threatening that she better not get out of bed again. I have not perfected this growl or it just isn't scary enough, because we usually have 1 more trip after such threat has been made.

How in the heck do you get a child to sleep through the night? I mean, we are taught that they will learn to sleep through the night during their first year of life. Unfortunately, like most things, my daughter overachieved in this area at an early age, tricking me into thinking she had this skill down. Really it was just a starting point for most things Ade, meaning she excels in the beginning (show off) then decides these skills are not worth her time or energy. The result: leaving me a shell of my former self that doesn't remember what it is like to get a full nights sleep with no interruption. There are nights that she will sleep all night, but they are few and far between and since I am now trained to get up in the middle of the night, my body wakes up numerous times, waiting for the 2 a.m. 3 year old party wake up call. Or the other creatures of the night, aka Rob and Clyde, find ways to disrupt these nights of sleeping bliss.

I often think I should bring my computer to bed. At this time of night, the thoughts that go through my head are often witty and funny, and I wish I could put them down because surely they are the words of comic blog gold! (I think this is also known as delirium)

I have also learned, that like high school, nothing good can come from my husband and I interacting at 2 a.m. It is often bitter, involves lots of kicking, door slams and angry words.

I am so tired, I have forgotten my main point of this blog post. Maybe just to complain. Maybe to hope someone will feel my pain. Maybe just to get out my annoyance with my husband. But I am fairly certain if I had written this at 2 a.m. this morning, my point and moral of the story would have been fully realized.

A Long, Hard Month

So January this year, to me, as been a really long and difficult month. It has been full of a lot of hard decisions, a lot of sadness and a lot of tough grown up stuff that I usually try to avoid.

I think January is initially so hard because it is a new year. There are new expectations, resolutions, people think of it as the month that things change. It is a lot of pressure for the month to live up to. And most certainly, for most, it fails every time.

And for us, December means Christmas and Adriana's birthday. It is a big month. A busy month, but a very happy month. January is for sure a let down after all that.

This year I decided to do no resolutions. No expectations to fail. Sure, I did decide to stop yo yo dieting and finally get this weight off healthily instead of fad dieting, but I made that resolution in November so I guess it doesn't really count. And because of that I am actually doing ok at it. I have worked out every day this month but 2, and I have lost 8 lbs but eating normally. Not bad. Going slower than I want, but well, I think that is the best way to do it.

But for me, it has still been a challenging month. I have spent a good portion fighting some inner demons (and some outside ones too) and just at this point, am glad I made it through the month. Thanks to my amazing brother and sister in law, Rob and I get to leave town this weekend alone, no child, and spend the weekend relaxing in my sister's town home in Breckenridge. I literally cannot wait and am so ready. I just want to sleep, watch movies and maybe sleep some more.

And thankfully for some serious conversations and what I like to call "cleansing blog posts" I had last weekend, I think things are looking up.

I get by with a little help from my friends

Friendships has always been something sort of tricky for me. I love my friends. Would do absolutely anything for them. I have done a lot of things that I think may go beyond the call of friendship but I also think many people have done the same for me. I have had a lot of friends drift in and out of my life. Something that I am ok with. I think different people are better at being friends to you in different times of your life. Whether it be something you have in common or just that you make each other laugh when no one else can or just that they are a good for you, different people fill different needs. But I believe a good friend, a true friend will be there when it is time to come back together. They won't judge you for being busy or for going through something or taking time for yourself. I truly believe the best friends are those that you can pick up where you left off and have a great time no matter how much time has gone by since you have seen or talked to them.

I used to agrue with a friend about what a good friend is. Our opinons were very different. Here is what it means to me.------Friendship should be something positive. Someone that lifts your spirits, someone that takes you out for a drink when you are on the edge, someone you can call or text with your most irritational thoughts and they will cry with you or make you laugh to take away the sting of your day. I think we live in a world where so much many things are complicated, hard and stressful, we all need someone that eases that burden, makes us feel better and doesn't complicate things. I think that is where friends come in. They help. They heal. They cry. They laugh. They make you feel like you are not alone and that for a few minutes, everything is okay. They also help you work through your feelings or situations. They have opinions and aren't afraid to give them to you. And you aren't afraid to listen. And sometimes those opinions differ from yours, but that is OK! It is the give and take of friendship.

I also think friendship should be easy. But I find that tricky. Easy is not always easy. People go through things and they need their friends and sometimes it is inconvenient and hard. But because you know that person would do the exact same thing for you, you are there. It is also reciprocal. One sided friendships don't work.

I have cycled through many different friendships in my life. Some people will read that and think, wow, what is wrong with you that you cannot hang onto a friend? Well I will tell you. I have had friendships that have gone from easy to hard, good to bad, nice to awful. As life changes and takes it course, sometimes friendships just don't work out. Some have pushed and pushed and pushed and expectations have been too high. And some people just aren't good friends. I am no angel. I have also not been a good friend to few that have chose to walk away. I have had friends stop being my friend because I don't belong to the right group or click, or because I wouldn't do something that they thought was cool. Those were more childhood friendships. I have lost adult friendships over expectations. Over life changes. Over reasons that I actually don't know and most likely don't want to know.

But through all of it I have hung onto some great friends. Some friends I have had since childhood, some that I have created since becoming a mom. I cherish these friendships so much. I have a variety of different friends and I love it. I have great mom friends, great single friends, great girl friends and a group of the best guy friends I could ever ask for. So many different facets to these friendships makes my life good, happy and complete. These friends have lifted me up, kept me sane, given me lots of drinks and cried with me. They have been a lifeline throughout all the crap that I have been dealt with in this life.

I have had some friendships I hold dear change a lot over the past year or so. Because of life situations, judgment and life changes. It is hard. It is very hard. Some are friendships I never thought could be changed or altered. I have been saddened by these changes and mourned them. I have not quite fully accepted the changes that have come to these friendships, but I am trying. I have learned that no friendship, or relationship for that matter, is untouchable.

But after all this, friendship is so important. And I am so thankful for all the wonderful friends I have out there. Those I talk to on a daily or hourly basis. Those that I talk to every couple days or via email. Those that I go weeks without talking to but still are a big part of my life. Over the years I have made and KEPT a great amount of friends that I hold dear. And that makes going through the bad or lesson teaching friendships bearable.

I'm in love with a.....

Frigidaire!

So Christmas night our fridge decided that staying cold was out of its job description. For most people this would be stressful and awful. But I have to say, I was silently happy. I hate our fridge. It came with the house and has been a piece of crap every since we moved in. I spent $400 on the ice maker when we first moved in because it didn't work and it still wasn't fixed after that. I hated that thing. So while Rob was contemplating the money side of it, I was silently screaming in excitement to be able to get a new one.

I happily made a pile of what was food that we had to save and Rob took it to the beer fridge. It wasn't all that bad. He had to drink a few extra beers just to make room but it was a sacrifice he was very willing to make. I also had to take one for the team and finish off the wine that was in the fridge. It was rough. But we did it.

We had already researched them when we first moved in because we were so annoyed with it, but couldn't really justify spending the money when it still worked. So when it quit, we both knew exactly what we wanted.

Well.....mostly. We found an applicance factory that had the LG we wanted. When we went, as we walked in, we fell in love with a Frigidaire 28 cubic foot, bottom freezer, french door, ice maker and water on the outside beauty. It was $1000 cheaper than what we wanted to spend. It was like it was there waiting for us to bring it home. I may have had tears.

We got it 2 days later and my love for it has only grown. It feels weird to be in love with an appliance, but I am. I am sure the honeymoon period will wear off but I hope it isn't soon. Rob even asked me last week if I loved it more than him.....that was hard to answer. But I was honest and said I was 95% sure that I did. :)

I often wonder if this is a product of me being a housewife or if I had a 40 hour a week out of the house job, would I feel the same? I am not sure. But if this is what my life has come to, I am totally ok with it.