I have noticed that so much as changed in my world in just the last year. I don't know if it has anything to do with my age or just the fact that it is all coming to a head and happening at the same time. I truly believe change is good and that everyone needs it and go through it constantly. Some are resistant (my husband) and some thrive on it. I think I fall a bit in the middle. I don't run from it but I don't constantly seek it either.
I think the changes that have been hardest are things that I thought were constant in my life. The things that you could always count on and really truly believed would never change. Funny thing about life, eventually everything changes. It really has to. For you to grow, for relationships to grow (or end), change is necessary.
Having a kid means that things are constantly changing because you spend 90% of your time adapting to the changes they go through. And they change often. Some things monthly, some weekly, some hourly. It is truly a roller coaster and you never know what the day will bring when you get out of bed each day. I find myself thinking how nice it is when things are steady with our child and we have a few peaceful days. I also know the minute I think this, it will change drastically and I am in for a new phase with her. Some are hard. Some are welcomed. Most are hard. But also rewarding.
We have changed the path of our life drastically in the last few years. We moved. We are adopting. That makes for a constant stream of change as bringing a new child into any family does. It will continue to change us day to day for the next few years and then again once we get our son home. This is probably one of the most stressful changes and most welcomes changes of all. Having Adriana was the most amazing thing that ever happened to me and truly was the biggest life change as it completely redirected the course of our every day life. As well as our "big picture" as it does when anyone brings in their first child to a family. It was amazing, scary and the best decision Rob and I ever made. Adoption is so different and though we have more choices, it also is a lot scarier, has a lot of unknowns and takes a lot longer. And while each day any one of those things can frustrate me (and daily bring me to tears in good and bad ways) it is one of the greatest journeys we will ever take and will lead to the most amazing little boy I am so proud to call my son.
So far, I am sure you are yawning. Really? This post? Nothing new nothing we haven't heard before. I guess this is my way of figuring out all that is going on. :) I think not only have the big things in my life have changed, I have changed. Sure, my fundamental core is the same. I think that is something that defines us and truly doesn't change much but it is something that we can grow and change a little through life experiences and the people that we meet along the way.
A lot of these changes that I am talking about have been painful. I have friendships that changed, relationships with family and even the relationship with my husband. These past 8 or 9 months have tested me in ways, as well as my relationships, that I never thought would happen. Being in the middle of it was so hard and I thought that I would never come out the other side being ok. But I have crawled out the other side of the tunnel and I can say, I am more than ok.
I think I came out with stronger relationships and some that are far less than they were before. My husband and I are in a place that is so much better. Through the stress can come something better and stronger. Some of my friendships didn't fare so well. I still love these people and they are still in my life, but my dependence on them has changed. I have also been fortunate to find some supportive people in the funniest of places that have been like rocks to me. It made me truly realize that friendships can grow out of the strangest of circumstances. For that I am grateful.
I also started a new volunteer position as a CASA for abused and neglected children. I just finished my 30 hours of training in the last 2 weeks. It was long. Tough. Hard. But I think that it opened my eyes to many things that I was so closed off and judgmental about in the world of social services as well as the world of others that live so differently from me. I listened to some of the best speakers that are advocates for children and met some of the most amazing people that deal with the toughest situations for these kids. And they help them. Every day. And it was inspiring. And I hope I can make even a sliver of the impact for someone that these people do.
It truly made me realize how judgmental I can be towards a lot of things. I like to think I am open. I like to think I don't judge. Truth is we all do. But I need to be better at not doing it. Not judging people when I truly have no idea how their lives truly are. Not judging when they just need a friend. Not judging when they life differently than I do.
I truly think everyone should find something to volunteer for, help out with that takes them out of their every day comforts. It is such an eye opener and even the littlest of things can help and leave an impact on others.
So maybe 35 year old Val is the new and improved Val. Maybe I am a little better. A little stronger. Maybe a little more rigid in some respects but a little more open in others. We shall see. I am a work in progress...
